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Excerpts From Chapter 12
Set Clear Parameters
(Protecting Your Personal Space)
I've learned that setting clearly defined parameter in your relationships protects the peace around you (except when someone tries to intentionally overstep their bounds or tries to test your resolve).
William Cowley used the two diagrams shown below to explain ways that we interact with others. I appreciate the lesson he taught our group on this subject, and realized these diagrams would be a good way to begin this chapter on setting parameters to protect the peace in relationships.
Diagram 1
Healthy Circles:
A healthy relationship is when we touch each other’s lives, but no one is intruding
on the other person’s space.
Diagram 2
Unhealthy Circles:
An unhealthy relationship is when one person’s circle is intruding
on the other person’s space, which inevitably creates conflict.
TESTING THE WATER
As shown in diagram 2, it is crucial for peace that you stay within the parameters of healthy social engagements. This means clearly defining the parameters for what we accept from other people that keep them in their own circle, and us in our circle. To stay within our bounds and not invade another person’s circle, we must test the water (so to speak) before we step into the pool with someone. This is especially true on an issue at risk of being misunderstood or that could create a bad situation. In other words, we pay attention to their responses before we step all the way into relationships or into a touchy issue. If the response does not give us permission to take a step or to take another step, then we do not take it!
For instance, a friend of mine discusses things with me when he feels troubled. If I start to suggest something to him and he throws up a defensive wall, I know he is not ready to listen to what I have to say. That is my cue to stay out of the pool with him on that issue. At one point, as I was going through my usual sidestep routine (putting my toe in and out of the water to test what was or wasn't safe to discuss), he asked me what I thought about his situation. He had picked up on my hesitation to respond in the way I really felt. Now he was giving me the cue that he was ready to let me step into the pool a little farther. So I said, "You don’t really want to know what I think." He replied, "Yes, I do." So I said, "No, you really don’t. You won’t like what I say." He replied, "Yes I will." I said, "Okay, Tim, you know me. You know I will be bold and tell you exactly what I think." He replied, "I know." Therefore, I stepped into the shallow end of the pool (with my life jacket on of course) and told him what I felt he needed to hear.
I suggested that he needed to make a few changes in his life. I pointed out that he was not getting back from life what he wants because of the way he treats life. I knew that was true because I could see what life was giving back to him at the time. I told him that he absolutely had to be more obedient and do what he knows he is supposed to do. From that point, we were able to have a good discussion. It had been a long time since we were able to talk that way, and we both felt good about it. Too many times in the past, if I stuck my toe into the water, he would snap at me and throw up a barrage of defenses to protect his position. It was nice that we could talk freely again. But what would have happened if I had jumped into the pool without having permission? It would have been a much different story, wouldn’t it?
| Copyright © 2008, Judith Sherman. The material used in this publication is copyrighted, which means it cannot be copied, stored, or transmitted in any way without the express written permission of the author. Please be honest and abide by these terms. |
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